Patience

I've been meaning to write this blog post for the longest time. I've actually written and rewritten this first post too many times to count. I wanted to start off by being brutally honest. I’m a big fan of truth moments, so here goes. I don't know what I am doing. I couldn’t have less of a clue. I know I love to write and that’s about it.

To be even more honest, I don’t actually want to know. That doesn’t sound fun at all. I like that there's a bit of mystery in figuring it out. If we all knew exactly what we were doing, we wouldn’t need anyone or anything else. We would just be on these isolated paths where we minded our own business and would never mess up or fail. And to me, that sounds lonely AF.

I think one of the most beautiful parts of this life is that we are all in it together. No one has been here before, no one has done this before. No one knows what they’re doing. Nobody. We're all here for the first time, going through this life, putting one foot in front of the other, giving it our best shot.

A few months ago, I was in a deep place. It wasn't necessarily dark, I had a job,a boyfriend, and got along great with my family, but I felt I had lost a part of me somewhere along the way and that was super unsettling. By society’s standards, I had it all figured out. I was ‘starting my career’, living on my own, supporting myself, going on cool trips, enjoying my social life, and all the things that look good on Instagram. But I was stuck as hell. I knew it and everyone around me knew it.  

This all started to come to the surface about a year after I had started working at a company that felt like a dead end for me. It was a cool place with really talented people, but it just wasn't what I needed at that time in my life. I landed there in the first place by luck of the draw. I was in the right place at the right time and ended up riding that wave for four and a half years. I tried to get out, many times and what felt like all the time in fact - but for some reason nothing panned out. I bounced back and forth between being pissed that I was stuck in this place where I could feel in my bones that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, and being patient waiting for the right thing to come along. Nothing felt right.

On top of all that, I was working crazy hours. Some nights I would walk into my apartment brush my teeth and go right to bed. I wanted a new job but I couldn’t even find the time to look for one, let alone figure out what I wanted to be doing. Looking back I think I didn’t make the time to look for one, but everything becomes clear in hindsight. It was a vicious cycle, one that I couldn’t get a handle on and also couldn’t seem to break.

I finally hit a point about 8 months ago where I gave up. I wouldn't allow myself to quit, but also wouldn't allow myself to take time off to figure things out. I knew if I was going to take the leap, it had to be from one place to another. So when interview after interview fell through, I had no other choice. I waited. I grew tolerant to the anger that I wanted to feel and instead turned it into gratitude. I started to realize that I was right where I needed to be. I turned to the belief that there was a job out there that was waiting for me, it just wasn't ready for me yet. I could feel the universe's energy shift, I could feel the energy in myself shift and I knew what I needed to do. More importantly, I started to feel like I somehow was right where I needed to be after all.

I continued to go to work everyday, knowing I had to put on a game face and keep the faith. Some days were easier than others, as they are, but I started to find moments of gratitude throughout my day and keep the peace that I knew already existed within myself. These bits of gratitude were constant reminders that maybe I didn’t have it that bad after all, maybe I really didn't have it bad at all.

For starters - my commute was a dream. I had to go one stop on the subway over the Manhattan bridge, which overlooks the Brooklyn Bridge, lower Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. I didn't start work until 10am so I could fit in a good morning workout, my favorite time of day to exercise. I could wear whatever I wanted. Most days we worked through lunch, which meant I could order food on the company and get to sit on our rooftop (in New York City) and eat a free, delicious and healthy lunch with my co-workers, who would soon turn into friends.

When your attitude shifts, everything shifts. The world still goes on just as it is, but the way you see it totally transforms. I currently have a list of small victories that I try to accomplish each day, and they might seem small, but small things matter. Not hitting the snooze button, working out 3 times a week, meditating for 10 minutes in the morning, drinking a cup of green tea everyday, calling or texting a family member or friend to say hi, writing down my goals, saying a prayer of gratitude every night. I know they seem small but I swear these things have made all the difference.

By the time I had fully surrendered to the power of the universe and all the ways that it was working for me, I had completed over 90 different versions of resumes, cover letters and applications. As fate would have it, the job I ended up accepting, never asked me for my resume, instead they found me on LinkedIn. The job I ended up accepting offered me the exact salary I was hoping for, and the role was a perfect fit for my next step. I didn’t have to change anything about myself in order to fit this job description, instead the universe called me to the perfect job at the perfect time.

Four months into it and I still haven't accomplished everything just yet. In fact I’m just getting started. But for the longest time I thought I was so far off and the truth is I am right where I want to be. I am trying like hell to be the best person, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, co-worker, writer and human I can be. Everyday is a new opportunity presented and a new challenge to rise up and meet. I am grateful for the love and support that I have felt throughout this process of making this dream to become a writer a reality. I am ready for this journey to begin, one that I feel like I have been waiting for all my life.

Thank you for being you & for being here.

— faith flynn